Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My vagina is officially offended.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
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