dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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