i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
