You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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