I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
