He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize