I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
