Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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