So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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