I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
