I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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