There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My cat gives me a boner
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize