Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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