How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
