Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
