I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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