so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
