Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize