I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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