I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
