when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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