Taylor Swift is so right about you.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
