I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
