I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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