Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
