Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
