Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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