Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
