so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
