people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
