you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Randomize
