Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I didn't notice because vodka
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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