I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
