Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
worst night to have a conscience
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
