you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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