I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize