If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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