Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
