I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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