Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
