You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
