dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
