Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
