You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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