Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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