When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
