Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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