He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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