My sheets look like a crime scene.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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