Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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