is your mom at the bar?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
