i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize