My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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