At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
