he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
