Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
