I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just found a bag of teeth...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
