I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
