please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
