God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
