He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
