i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
