i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
